I Apologize

How many times do we read in the news of someone saying "I apologize" or more simply "I'm sorry"? So often that it seems a common phrase. Now, let me just ponder what it means or rather how it is misused in certain contexts - politicians and even people of all walks of life, when responding to sexual harassment and degrading people with known derogatory terms.

The person is confronted, or let's say for simplicity that they are caught red-handed, maybe a recording, a witness, whatever that can in no way be refuted. The outcome is they say, "I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention." Maybe nothing is ever said explicitly, but that the apology has been accepted is merely assumed, and everyone moves on. Maybe in the not-so-distant future, the person is caught again, and then?

Maybe the person who was wronged, the victim, says "I forgive," and life moves on. This is the social balance, the order. This is how our society works.

But whatever the root cause, it is still there, largely unresolved, and maybe progress is made one step forward, only to fall apart two steps backward. Why?

I start with the first fundamental misunderstanding: that by saying "I apologize," everything is changed. Hardly. Saying "I apologize" is just the recognition of the event, nothing more, nothing less. It does not mean that change has taken place. That change happens when there is atonement, something that is never seen or mentioned anywhere. Atonement is the process by which change takes place to rectify what led to the wrong in the first place. So the second thing I say is that atonement is never mentioned because very few individuals actually atone, and if they do, it takes time and maybe a considerable time, as atonement is neither easy nor simple.

Maybe we find it hard to recognize the truth, but we humans are pretty set in our ways and beliefs. How we behave is a consequence. Change happens, but it requires a very dramatic and traumatic experience. Not an everyday occurrence. An individual accused of harassment or racism at middle age didn't become like this the day before, not even the year before. It was ingrained much, much earlier in life. Mostly as part of games and taunting as a kid, progressively reinforced as they moved in circles of friends with similar ways. They also learned along the way that maybe it was best to keep it "private" and in social circles of other people to simply say things as part of the accepted social norm. Maybe they forgot at times, but if no one really complained, they pushed the boundaries of how much they could get away with it. The sense of safety eventually leads to missteps or being too blatant at the wrong place and wrong time. But then maybe, just saying "I apologize" gave a way out. Then they would stay under the radar until it would dissipate. The public at large misunderstands what "I forgive" means. It only means that the party that was wronged has made peace with the wrong, but it does not mean the wrong is forgotten, and more importantly, it is no absolution to the person who did the wrong. Only that person can do so by atoning. Somehow people have come to believe that a person saying "I forgive" is the same as "I forgive you" and that there is a new slate where the past does not matter.

This paints a very bleak picture. I do not wish for it to be bleak. It is the reality. Consider for a moment, what of those individuals who are even incapable of the simplest "I'm sorry, I apologize, I was wrong." Is that bleaker yet?

Wouldn't it be funny if the media started asking those who say "I apologize" what actions they intend to take to fix the underlying causes? Maybe other lies?